This morning I said to my husband, "let's do a video tonight."
The look on his face was priceless.
Let it be known that I wasn't suggesting we make a sex tape.
I was simply thinking that because we wouldn't make it out for a run* today, we could do an exercise DVD as soon as the kids have gone to bed. That's all. (Come to think of it, that look could have been horror at the thought of doing an exercise DVD.) Doesn't that make us sound like a couple who power walk together wearing matching lycra?
Of course you could argue his interpretation is better exercise and more fun. But in that hour after our children's bedtime, they like to push their luck by roaming about the house like it's nobody's business. And children are far better off walking in on their parents doing pilates instead of each other.
But I can see how I could have been misinterpreted - it's the word "do" instead of "watch" that did it. Did he think I was planning on leaking a sex video? Maybe "accidently" popping it on You Tube? Or uploading it to Facebook to be viewed by "friends only" in an attempt to appear subtle? It'd be great publicity for this blog, simply because anything that involves sex or nudity gets attention - whether it's a good look or not. And it certainly worked for, well, everyone else.
Endorsing chocolate-dipped strawberries is surprisingly lucrative.
Want to know his reply? "Actually, we can tell people if they DON'T read your blog, we'll make them watch it."
Oh ha ha haaaaaaaaaa! Very funny. And ever-so-slightly offensive. But that comment rubbishes him too, which makes it OK.
Since that conversation this morning, the jokes haven't veered too far from the topic. I just heard him coming downstairs saying in a dodgy voice, "Where is my little antelope? Here comes your big stag...!" Please don't be offended if animal themed role-play is your thing - good luck to you, I say.
And, yes, a male antelope is a "buck" and not a "stag." I thought I'd acknowledge that in case you are outraged over my disregard for the correct matching of noun to species.
Anyway, must go. Juan is here to clean ze pool.
*I have taken up jogging this week. So I have been peppering all conversations with things like, "after my run" and "my daily jog." It makes me sound all sporty and I like it.
I've had some people tell me they'd love to go to Australia, but are freaked out by the number of things that can kill them there. Maybe they don't want to admit the flight is too long. Or that they are scared off by Paul Hogan's age-defying face.
I thought that I'd help with this. So here are my handy hints that I am going to call "Australia: Don't Fuck Up and Die" (sorry Mum).
Snakes
If you are in the "bottom half" of Australia in Winter, you won't see a snake. So you can skip this part.
Snake bites are rare. Most of the snakes won't bite unless they feel threatened. So don't threaten them by calling them "punk," "bitch" or telling them you're friends with the Gruffalo. This will only antagonise the snake. I would also recommend not picking it up to fashion into a necklace or other such accessory. If you're walking in tall grass, flip flops / thongs are out. Keep those ankles covered. Fellow cankle sufferers will be pleased with this one advantage over our pretty-ankled friends.
Frankly, this is asking for trouble.
Snakes feel vibrations in the ground. So if you see a snake, keep still and let it slither past. Remember - no antagonising the snake, so don't go "ner ner ner-ner nerrrr" as it goes by. If is too close for comfort, just get away from it (like you need to be told). Take care not to panic and confuse "away from the snake" with "towards the snake." Getting that wrong is what you would call an "oh crap!" moment.
If you see a snake and you leave it alone, it will not bite you. But if it isn't your day and one does, here's what you do...
Don't wash the bite or suck out the venom. That is the official advice, but seriously, who would suck out the venom? "Oh here, let me have some." Bandage the bite really firmly, if you have enough cloth you should bandage further along the limb towards the body. Keep the bite still, preferably with a split. The emergency number is 000 (not 90210 as someone once dialed) and your local hospital will have anti-venom.
Spiders
Although most of them are fine and would make lovely neighbours, spiders in Australia are best avoided. Don't you love being told the bleeding obvious? It's up there with eating cake, and someone saying with a smirk, "a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips."
Anyway, you should know that the spiders don't just hang around in webs. They live quite happily under things too - under ground, under wood, etc.
But before you run screaming from your computer, just know that the big, scary looking ones you are most likely to see are actually OK. They're called "huntsmen" and while you probably wouldn't want to marry one, there's no need to squash it. If you do squash it, it will return as a giant "monster spider" which will haunt you with its giant poisonous fangs and a penchant for nibbling your ears. Just kidding. We like to freak foreigners out like that. (Now go and Google "Drop Bears.")
The good news is there have been no deaths from a confirmed spider bite in Australia since 1980. Even so, it's good to tip your shoes upside down before putting them on. I'm in the UK so I no longer do it... although I hear these hedgehogs are vicious.
If you do get bitten, and that makes you very unlucky, it's treated in the same way as a snakebite. Bandage it, keep it still and get thee to a hospital. If the spider has a red back, inventively named the "red back spider," don't bandage it. Just get your arse to hospital.
One other thing - when you get to hospital, it helps if you can tell them what kind of spider it was. It's a good idea to catch the spider and take it with you. Just put a jar over it, slide some kind of card underneath it and screw the lid on. Because, yes, when you have been bitten by a spider, you want to faff about looking for a piece of cardboard.
Sharks
I'm not sure what to tell you here. Try not to look too much like a seal? I don't know.
They tend to feed more at dawn and dusk, so you're better off not swimming then. Should you be the most unlucky person in the country and a shark does attack you, you are meant to fight back. Gouge its eyes, punch its nose.... you know, the usual stuff you do when a shark bites you. You also shouldn't swim alone, the idea being that if a shark attacks, you need help getting onto land quick smart. So you can buy yourself an ice-cream.
But the number one thing - and I mean the absolutely number one thing - is to swim between the flags at patrolled beaches. Which leads me to my next point...
Rips
Forget snakes, spiders, jellyfish, sharks and crocodiles. Everyone going to the beach in Australia needs to understand rips. There have been efforts to get this shown to tourists on flights to Australia, and so far they have had no joy as it's thought it will frighten people away. I would have thought that since they are already on the plane, they're a safe bet. What do you think?
Has this helped? Or has this scared you even more?
In 1975, Australia's Governor-General sacked the Prime Minister at the culmination of a constitutional crisis.
That was big.
This week, there is Wigglegate.
This is bigger.
I once had an *ahem* adult dream about Jeff, the purple Wiggle.
I'm baffled too.
I'll explain. The Wiggles are a children's group and Australia's top-earning entertainers. To give you some idea, they earn more than Nicole Kidman and Russell Crowe. A Wiggles DVD can turn the most feral moment into a singing and dancing free-for-all, or it can bring calm and quiet into your home. For that, I think they earn every cent. They also do a lot for children's charities. Got a young child? Show them this:
Their concerts are legendary. They sell out all the big venues, and they also perform in local, smaller clubs. When tickets would go on sale near where we lived, a group of us would form a "calling bee" where we were each allocated times to sit on the phone and redial the phone number for tickets, over and over. Otherwise you risked not getting tickets. That, my friends, is too big a risk to take.
Their lead singer was Greg. He wore the yellow jumper and had big eyebrows. Everyone loved Greg and rightly so. Five years ago, Greg fell ill. It wasn't life threatening, but he could no longer perform. He quit the band and was replaced by the lovable Sam, who had been one of their backup singers and dancers. The big question was: could Greg actually be replaced? Could Sam do it? And the answer was a joyful and resounding YES. Sam was, and is, amazing. We love Sam, just as we loved Greg.
Now here is where it gets interesting.
Happily, Greg is now better. Snaps for Greg! The group asked him to re-join, and he accepted. Happy days. But the big question was - what about Sam?
It was announced that Sam had "graciously stepped aside." Hmmmm. After five years? Really?
Sam handing over the yellow jumper to Greg.
Or rather, Sam looking like he just ate a lemon, while Greg is positively chuffed.
One very awkward interview later, and it's clear Sam had no choice. The Wiggles' manager tried to quell the frenzy by likening it to the Rolling Stones - because they are so similar. He made the point that if Mick Jagger was replaced, and then able to re-join, he should be allowed to. Well, yes that's true. But surely after five years, whoever replaced him is no longer filling in, but a real member of the band. Just as Sam was no longer viewed by fans as Greg's replacement. And I think that's where they stuffed up.
There's been lots of talk about what Sam has been paid. Personally, I don't think that is anyone's business but theirs. There is also more going on than we could know.
So why should any of us care? Well, maybe you don't and that's fair enough. But I do. I'm not crying and tearing the clothes from my body (it's too cold for that anyway) but my children adore The Wiggles, so I do too. I care that Sam, who is so likeable and talented, has been shafted. And I have to ask, what could be better than four Wiggles? That's right - five Wiggles. Why couldn't Greg have joined the group without replacing anyone? Why wasn't I asked to be a Wiggle? Yes, I am asking the important questions here.
Again, I know there is more to it than that. We probably have no idea of the real story.
On the flip side, their Facebook page has livened up. There are thousands of comments, mostly expressing happiness for Greg and sadness for Sam. But there are some doozies along the lines of "I will never, EVER let my children watch you again!!" and "I will no longer wear yellow!!"
I'm excited because my blog has nearly had 100,000 views. Yes yes, some blogs get that in a single day, I know. I'm still excited though.
Time for some low-key, classy celebrations. Hang on...
www.thesun.co.uk
This might seem boastful, and talking yourself up isn't the done thing in England. Instead you have to talk yourself down, while getting your message across in an underhand way. Something like this:
"Damn blog has nearly had 100,000 views. Someone's computer has probably malfunctioned and keeps opening this silly website by accident!" (Scoff, scoff.)
or
"I'm ever so surprised my blog has nearly had 100,000 views. It seems people don't completely hate bad writing after all!" (Shake head ruefully to indicate you don't know what the world is coming to.)
See? You really want to say "Guess what...!" but it's against the rules.
I searched for "celebration" and found this.
Is it just me, or is he waaaaay too pleased about his snowball?
I know it's silly. I know I shouldn't be making a big deal about it, but where's the fun in that? Although, let's face it, the breakdown of views is probably like this:
Parents: 10,000
Brothers and sisters: 10,000
Friends: 20,000
Person who owns the malfunctioning computer: 10,000
Person in Georgia who does daily search for "Nicky Minaj boobs" (you know who you are): 10,000
Those who find this blog by searching for "Bangles Different Light Album", which happens every day (I had no idea they were still so popular): 20,000
Those who find this blog after searching the word "merkin": 5,000
People who open this blog by accident: 5,009
You: 1
TOTAL: 100,000
Actually this isn't entirely correct. I haven't reached 100,000 yet. It's just that up until now I've missed the other milestones by a few days. So this time I'm being prepared. I do like the idea of celebrating something before it happens, so you don't forget to celebrate when it actually does happen. Even if that something is hugely unimportant. Genius!
Some of you might know that I lose my voice every Winter. I thought I'd get through this one unscathed since it's now January, but no. I've lost my voice. And can I just say - it's really hard getting the kids out the door for school without yelling.
I need to see a Doctor. Now the Doctors at our local medical centre are very good. But you have to actually see them first.
Monday, 9.30am
I call the medical centre, and after an engaged signal for half an hour I get through. I ask for an appointment. Any phone conversation is annoying when all you can do is whisper, so this one was excruciating.
"This morning is all booked."
"OK, how about this afternoon?"
"Well, you'll have to call back at 10.30am if you want an appointment for this afternoon. We're not taking afternoon bookings yet."
"So we hang up now, I wait an hour and then call you back?"
"Yes."
"Which means you are effectively doubling the number of phone calls you get?"
"That's just how our system works."
"Right. How about tomorrow?"
"No, we only have a certain number of bookings available for tomorrow and they are already taken. If you want an appointment for tomorrow morning, call again at 8am."
"Riiiiight. So tomorrow is not completely booked out, but you won't make any more appointments until the morning?"
"Exactly."
"Sorry, can you repeat that? I wasn't listening."
This happens every time I try to make a doctor's appointment, but each time I forget just how annoying the whole process is. So I call back again this morning.
Tuesday, 8.10am
"All booked, I'm afraid. Sorry."
"Right. And I suppose if I want an afternoon appointment I'll have to call back at 10.30am?"
"Yes."
"And because everyone who wants an afternoon appointment calls at 10.30am, I won't get through until close to midday, by which time all the appointments will be taken?" *Audible sigh* "The afternoon schedule does not open until 10.30am. It's just the way it is."
If I had a voice, I would have asked who I need to root to get an appointment around here. That sounds terrible doesn't it Muriel, but the chances of them knowing what you mean by "root" are low. So you get the satisfaction of swearing at someone, and they are more puzzled than offended.
If my throat didn't feel like it was on fire, I'd be laughing, trust me. But think of all the things you make appointments for. It's not hard, is it? You ring, they check their books and when there is an open spot, you get it. Sometimes this is days in advance. Goodness! And even more amazing, there are occasions when appointments are made weeks and months beforehand. Call the police! That is just too darn C-R-A-Z-Y.
So I'm sitting around, very quietly, eating lozenges with a fluffy scarf around my neck. I'll call again in 40 minutes, and we'll go through the whole thing again. I just cannot contain my excitement.
If anyone has a decent cure, please let me know. I don't think I'll be seeing a Doctor.
Margaret Thatcher Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, 1979 - 1990
Baroness Thatcher has since been honorary Chancellor of two universities, set up her own foundation and released her memoirs. She suffered several small strokes in 2002, putting an end to her public speaking. More recently, her ill health saw her fail to attend several high-profile engagements, including the wedding of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. The wedding's organisers were secretly pleased, as they hadn't allocated enough room for her hair.
Ronald Reagan President of the United States, 1981 - 1989
After his presidency, Mr Reagan spoke in favour of the Brady Bill** - a constitutional amendment requiring a balanced budget. If that sentence didn't bore you enough, how about this: he also established the Ronald Reagan Freedom Award with his newly-established foundation. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease in 1994, and died of pneumonia at his home in 2004.
**Oops! I got a very nice, slightly nerdy, email telling me I got this wrong. Thanks! "Ronald Reagan did support a balanced budget but the Brady Bill was about handgun control - James Brady almost died after being shot at Reagan's attempted assassination."
Bob Hawke Prime Minister of Australia, 1983 - 1991
And what of Australia's PM of the 80s? What's he up to? Well, a day or so ago he was at the cricket in Sydney.
As the video says, "one for the country." Ah, so proud.
I hope 2012 is a year to remember for all the right reasons. I hope your wonderful days far outweigh any bad ones and that your homes just burst with lurve.
I know they are professional models, but how are they not laughing?
Thank you for reading this, whether you're a regular here or someone who stumbled upon it once and thought "nah" before quickly going elsewhere. Thanks to those who comment, tweet about posts, follow this site on Facebook, email me and to those who think about doing these things but never get around to it.
Much will be written about new years' resolutions this week. As we all know, this is the day for them. I've never been good at new years' resolutions, although I do like the idea. Years ago, my husband suggested we each write our resolutions, then swap them so we could read each others.
His List Keep Rach smiling
Be the best father I can be
Enjoy watching our baby grow up
Be more patient
Help more around the house
Keep fit
(And various specific work-related goals)
My List Buy more groceries
If I could just explain myself, it was a time when we never had any decent food in the house. And food keeps us alive. So you could say mine was a deeply important and profound new years resolution.
Even so, my husband thought it was really crappy. "What, so you'll buy one more apple each week and that's it?!"
He has been asking me what my resolutions are all day, and I have been non-committal. We have the same conversation every new years day. Tonight I will be asked again. I'll make something up and hopefully I'll have a neat little list. Maybe this is a sign I should be more goal-oriented this year?
