Part 5 in a series of guest posts written by an anonymous movie star.
Having read four books in my lifetime, let me tell you, reading is very important.
We want our children to read books that inspire, that reach out of each page and touch their little hearts, don't we? Not literally. That would be creepy.
That's why I feel compelled to write a children's book. Yes, I am blessed with multiple talents - children's author is just another one. If Fergie can sell books about a helicopter called Budgie, just think what I can do! Plus if it's good enough for Madonna...
My words need to be heard by the next generation. Not just my little **Lemon and The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music (THAAWTSOM for short), but children everywhere. I see myself as a literary Pied Piper, if you will. Without the rats and general unpleasantness.
My agent Verruca, named after a kind of wart, set up a meeting for me with some publishers. Next thing I know I'm sitting opposite a woman wearing tweed who looks like a horse, and another who clearly ate all the pies. They weren't looking star struck, but then I do have a way of making people feel at ease. Horse Lady asked what my story was about.
"It's about a little fat girl who has no friends. She goes on a diet, gets thin and becomes really popular!"
No one spoke. Sometimes I really under-estimate the impact I have on people.
"It's called Fat Girl Thin," I told them.
"I'm sorry, but that is completely inappropriate," said The Horse. A moment passed. I got it. Ah. It is awkward talking about fat people when there is one right there. I told them I understood, I nodded and tapped my nose to show we had an understanding. I then leant in towards the Pie Lady and told her not to worry, it's nothing the Atkins can't sort out. I can't help but help!
Well she didn't like that at all. Denial. Either that or she's a slave to the carbohydrate. So I changed the subject by announcing I have another story idea.
Thinking on my feet, I come up with a children's story right there.
"It's called The Lonely Panda." Genius! I went on, still making it up as I go.
"Li Ping Pong was all alone
She tried to mate with a big bone..."
I'm interrupted by Pie Lady who was now standing up and telling me it was a real pleasure, and wishing me luck. We shook hands. She was smiling so broadly, laughing even, I just knew she loved my story. She told me not to call, and that they didn't want to keep me as they knew I must be busy. She said she'd ask Lulu to show me out.
How considerate! They knew how hectic my life is and didn't want to inconvenience me at all. Lulu appeared and walked me out. She was a real darling actually - a slip of a thing with a pixie cut. I can spot someone who eats oxygen instead of meals a mile away. Good girl.
I just know The Lonely Panda is going to be huge. While I'm at it I might as well whip up a trilogie of adult books. Everyone knows the hard part is the title and once you have that, the rest just follows. I'll call them Thrusting in the Sun, Thrusting in the Wind and Thrusting in the Rain. I just thought of them just then! Easy! And, I might add, very tasteful.
As mummies, sometimes it's not enough to rely on others, is it? The books my children read are fine, really, but I know I could write a better one. There are times when you just have to do it yourself. Don't you think?
**Names have been changed. Slightly.
(Rachel here with a little note to those very fun people who follow my Facebook page. Facebook have a new technical thingamy where only about 10% of those who like a page will see status updates. To keep seeing the amazing, brilliant, hilarious, content I post...??!!... please just click / hover over the "liked" button on my page and activate the "show in news feed" option. Thanks!)