Today I am going to pretend to be a fashion stylist. Here are my style tips for a sleeker, more sophisticated you.
- Don't wear all your clothes at the same time. It piles on the pounds, and it's really hard to go to the loo. I know this because I'm living in a British winter, therefore am wearing 192 layers of clothing right now.
- To truly accentuate your good bits, it's not enough to show them off with carefully chosen clothes. You have to tell everyone about them too. So if someone says they like your trousers, make sure you reply with, "Don't they show off my long slim legs?" Better still, don't wait for someone to complement you first. Just jump in and tell everyone you have long slim legs. But only if you do have long slim legs. Drawing attention to your sausage legs is distinctly unhelpful.
- Give a jaunty court jester's hat an unusual twist by wearing it looking thoroughly miserable.
- Keep your underwear under. It didn't work for Madonna, it will not work for you.
- If you walk around with clothes just collected from the dry cleaner, people will think you have an expensive wardrobe.
- Don't leave the house topless. I know someone who did that after too many sleepless nights with a newborn. OK it might have been me. But I only got as far as the end of our driveway before realising my mistake so it doesn't count.
- If you trip in high heels, use this opportunity to unleash the drama queen within. Sob, wail and fling your arms around, then roll over onto your back and scissor-kick your legs in the air for 30 seconds. (Warning: you will look seriously nutty doing this, but I would so love to see it. That's why I added it.)
Instant sophistication is now yours. No need to thank me, just the knowledge that I have helped fledging femme fatales is enough.
Not that you need to go elsewhere, but should you be in the mood for some serious style, do see Nikki Parkinson's Styling You site. It puts me to shame.
Which, let's face it, isn't hard.